Low Carb No-Bake Oatmeal Fudge Cookies

They say it is better to have loved and lost, but I never got over no-bake oatmeal fudge cookies.
In fact, those delicious little nuggets of gooey goodness may have been the first thing I ever learned how to cook, at the ripe age of 8 (I didn't want to have to depend on my mother when I wanted a high-fat, glycemically lethal snack).

Well, yesterday I got desperate -- desperate for chocolate, desperate for peanut butter, desperate for the days when I didn't experience mental trauma at the thought of putting sugar into my mouth.

So I played a little experiment. And man alive, did it turn out splendiferous.

Now, I'll warn you; these guys are a little higher fat than I usually advocate. I tend to shy away from butter and oil in baking because I prefer to make treats where, you know, I can eat the whole batch. On the bright side, these guys may just teach me the mythical art of portion control I've heard so much about.

So take a throwback to your elementary school days with these little guys: Each cookie has 6 grams of carbs, 3 grams of fiber (3 grams effective carbs), 4 grams of protein and 100 calories.

Low Carb No-Bake Oatmeal Fudge Cookies

1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk
6 tbsp cocoa powder
1/4 tsp xanthan gum
1 1/2 cups erythritol
1/2 tsp stevia extract

Combine all ingredients in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Stir until mixture reaches a boil. Let boil for 1-2 minutes, then turn off heat and add:

1 cup quick oats
1 cup wheat bran
1/2 cup flaxseed meal
1/2 cup whey protein isolate
1 tsp vanilla

Stir until mixture resembles manna from heaven and you can no longer keep mixing for fear of fainting with anticipation. Then drop by spoonfuls on aluminum foil (or wax paper) and let set.*

*I'll be honest -- a good 1/2 cup of the mixture didn't make it to the "setting" part. Thank goodness I have invisalign and the good sense to brush my teeth and put them back in when my willpower lags, or there would be NO part of this recipe left this morning.

Charmed for Shawarm-a (Low-Cal, Low-Carb Chicken Shawarma)

Don't get me wrong; there's great food in California -- especially if you discount the vast number of chains in suburbia Orange County. I love the beach-town comfort Italian, the endless supply of too-good-to-be-true pizza, Little Saigon's five-star pho, and sushi so fresh you wonder if you surfed with it that morning.

But alas, since moving from Utah four years ago, I have yet to find a great Lebanese restaurant. And I can't help but love me some Lebanon. I was in love with Cafe Mazza in Salt Lake City, but rather than make the trek to the eclectically delicious restaurant havens of Hollywood and beyond, I attempted to recreate one of my own favorites: chicken shawarma.

Oh, but how I've missed you, with your garlicky yogurt sauce and juicy, spice-grilled chicken. The nice thing about shawarma is that it's actually quite healthy -- not to mention that with a sauce made almost entirely of Greek yogurt, you've got a low-fat, protein-rich, and utterly simple go-to dinner.

Chicken Shawarma (health-fest style)

1 lb boneless, skinless, chicken tenders

2 tbsp lemon juice

1 tsp curry 

1/2 teaspoon cumin

2 tsp olive oil

3/4 tsp salt

3 garlic cloves, minced

Toss all ingredients in a big bowl and get your hands dirty (but please wash them afterward -- this is raw chicken, people). Cover and let sit in the fridge 1 - 3 hours.

Heat grill (I used a trusty Wolfgang Puck electric grill because RP was lazy and has a love/hate relationship with charcoal) to about 350. Cook chicken until no longer pink (about 3 minutes per side). Be careful not to overcook, unless you love that sensation of sawdust slowly making its way down your esophagus.

Then, whip up this simple (yet divine) sauce:

1 individual portion (6 oz) 2% plain Greek yogurt (I used Fage, because I'm a snob, and didn't have Siggi's, my ultimate fav, on-hand)

1-2 garlic cloves, minced

3 tsp lemon juice

1/4 - 1/2 tsp salt (to taste)

Whisk all ingredients together in a small bowl and don't let anyone know that you double-dipped your spoon when you couldn't help trying it a second time.

Lastly, chop up half a red onion, 2-3 English cucumbers, and 1-2 Roma tomatoes and mix them all together.

If you'll be serving this true Mediterranean style (I have no idea what that is, but I'd like to think it's this), heat some healthy pitas on the grill. I love Joseph's, because they're low in carbs, high in protein, and mucho delicioso (not to mention picturesque).

Then take a pita, smear some garlicky Greek yogurty goodness on it, stuff with grilled chicken, and sprinkle (or shower) with veggies.

Color me happy -- and 1/16th Greek.

A Case for the Blues (low carb, sugar-free blueberry muffins)

Unlike the world at large, I’m not uber crazy about blueberries. Sure, they’re sweet and adorably tiny, but put them next to a black or raspberry, and I’d drop those blues faster than Jake G dropped Taylor (you’ll find love one day, Taylor).

Blueberry muffins, however, are a culinary delight. Actually, the word “culinary” is too strong, because I’m a BIG (and I emphasize big) fan of those el cheapo grocery/gas station packaged muffins – yes, the ones so bad for you they may as well be made of partially-hydrogenated babies and endangered wolverines. 

I could positively melt in front of the Costco muffin section.

In high school, I’d get a giant blueberry muffin (Costco style) in the cafeteria and then have it with a cup of Yoplait in the name of good health. (I was blissfully ignorant then that those babies are upwards of 700 calories each.)

Perhaps it’s no large wonder I was overweight.

Then I discovered these delicious Eat-Rite blueberry muffins at a local low-carb store and I’m pretty sure I found religion with those.  But upon further research, I found wide-spread skepticism on the actual ingredients and calorie count of Eat-Rite’s delectable foods (pretty sure I gained 5 pounds with their so-called 200 calorie pizzas). So I decided I needed to take blueberry muffins into my own hands.

These little guys turned out beautifully. Even RP took a bite and came back for more. And with about 90 calories and less than 4 grams of carbs each, these puppies are a delicious way to consumer 7 grams of protein.

Indulging without engorging? I’ll take another.  

1 ½ cups Atkins Bake Mix (or low-carb bake mix of your choice)

1 cup wheat bran

½ cup ground flaxseed

1 cup erythritol

1 ½ tbsp. baking powder

¾ tsp. salt

3 eggs, beaten

2 cups buttermilk

¼ cup sugar-free da Vinci vanilla syrup

2 tbsp applesauce

1 ½ tsp lemon extract

2 cups fresh blueberries

Combine all dry ingredients in a large bowl, then mix all wet ingredients in a separate bowl (I like to keep things simple). Stir wet into dry until just moistened. Fold in the blueberries. Spoon batter into 24 muffin cups sprayed with cooking spray. Bake at 375 for 20-25 minutes.

It makes a ginormous batch so, assuming you can't eat more than me (and few people can), I wrap these individually in plastic wrap and then pile them up in zip-locks to keep in the freezer. They thaw pretty quickly, so it's easy to stick one (or seven) into your lunch bag on your way to work for a delicious mid-morning/mid-afternoon/as-soon-as-you-get-in-your-car snack.

Playing with 'Barb (Sugar-free Rhubarb Jam/Compote)

I can’t help but feel sorry for rhubarb. Not quite a fruit, not quite a vegetable – the poor red root just seems like a confused wallflower among a sea of sweet contenders. Not to mention that rhubarb never, ever gets a leading role. She’s always playing second fiddle to Miss Strawberry (that overrated sap).

Well, if you can get past the fact that she’s a little, um, tart, rhubarb is absolutely delicious of its own accord. Not to mention that it’s also virtually sugar free. And at only 25 calories per cup, you could eat a few stalks without fear of getting stock-y.

So when I was browsing produce last Saturday night (yes, that’s how exciting my weekends are), and saw those pretty red stems, I grabbed a few, unsure of what to do with them. But the answer turned out to be so simple: chop them up and make them sweeter.

So I give you my Rhubarb Compote, a lovely addition to a piece of toast, a slice of (sugarless) cake, or a delicious topping to your yogurt. Because isn’t it time ‘Barb got her place in the spotlight?

4 ½ cups of rhubarb, chopped thin

¾ cups water

¾ cups granulated stevia

¼ tsp good-tasting stevia extract

½ tsp cinnamon

Dash of salt

Combine all ingredients in a sauce pan over medium heat.

She's awful pretty for a root with poisonous leaves (Note: Don't eat the leaves.).

Boil for 5 minutes, then reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

The best part about this recipe is the smell – trust me. It’s Christmas in a pot.

Cool on the stove for an hour or so. It can be stored in an airtight container for some amount of time that I’m yet unaware of, but since it won’t survive a week in MY refrigerator, I’ll go ahead and say indefinitely.

And if you MUST bring strawberries into the mix, just go ahead and top your strawberry yogurt with this magic. Show HER who’s boss for once.

Fetucci--ME Some Alfredo (Low-Carb Homemade Pasta)

Want to know why my husband and I don't go to Italy?

Well, obviously because there's no surf there. But, for our purposes, I'd like to believe it's because of all that pasta.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking; Italy is more than pasta. But my husband doesn't approve of me buying leather jackets either, so that's that.

As for the pasta? Well, this weekend I had some, thanks to a bit of creativity mixed with some good old-fashioned feelings of deprivation.

I admit; I had my doubts. I even picked up a package of whole wheat penne ready to boil for the husband in the event that disaster struck. But luck be ours, the non-Italian pasta gods were with me and we enjoyed this homemade fettuccine together. Rick himself called it "tasty." Not to mention that this stuff is packed with protein and uber low in carbs.

Here's the thing: homemade pasta is simple, but it's time-consuming. Lucky for me, my mother-in-law rocks. Before I even married her son, she gifted me the Kitchenaid pasta maker attachment set for Christmas (told she was awesome). Score one for homemade low-carb fettuccine. 

If your mother-in-law is not as awesome, you could try rolling this out and cutting it yourself. I guess it all depends on how far you're willing to go for Italy (without actually going to Italy).

Low Carb Egg Fettuccini 

1 cup soy flour
1 cup vital wheat gluten
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg, beaten
1/2 tbsp olive oil
1/2 cup water

Combine soy flour, vital wheat gluten, and salt in your mixing bowl. In a separate bowl, beat the egg with the olive oild and water.  Combine with dry mixture and beat for 20-40 seconds. Using your dough hook (or hands, if you happen to be a pioneer or you gave up electricity for Lent), knead the dough for 3-4 minutes.

Wrap the dough and refrigerate for an hour. It may smell weird. This is normal. Soy isn't known for it's pleasant scent. This goes away once it cooks -- or else I'm more desperate than I thought.

Remove the dough and separate into four small pieces. Feed through the pasta roller 4-5 times, then feed it through the fettuccini cutter (again, assuming that your mother-in-law is awesome).

 
Boil some water with a 1/2 tsp salt. Dump the pasta in and cook for 2 minutes. Be wary; this stuff cooks QUICK. You'll know it's done when it's floating and the water is foaming. Don't stop and take a picture because you'll overcook the pasta. I'm guessing.

Drain and top with store-bought alfredo sauce and rotisserie chicken meat because you just made HOMEMADE pasta.. do you REALLY need to make the sauce from scratch? I'm not Martha Freaking Stewart.

 As a side note, Classico makes a delightful light alfredo sauce. This is helpful if you're like me and cutting your carbs doesn't mean a fat free-for-all (sorry, Dr. Atkins).

Mi ‘Bella’ Pizza (Low-Carb Portabella Pizzas)

You know that feeling when you wake up at 5:15 and you’re on your way to the gym in the early-morning darkness and you want pizza so bad you can’t help but wonder if Papa John’s happens to open at 4 am? 

Oh you don’t? Maybe that’s just me.

As much as I could eat breakfast food at every meal of the day, I’m pretty sure I could also take down a pizza pretty easily at 5 am. My taste buds are nondiscriminatory like that.

That said, I usually restrain myself – something about an early morning workout makes you not want to top it off with grease and cheese and pepperoni (and Canadian bacon and sausage and olives.. ohhhhh). 

Luckily I married a man who is willing to eat pizza for every meal of the week – and since there’s only two of us, anytime we make or buy one, that’s exactly what he does. 

But enough of this talk – let’s get on to the food. Recently, because I’m such a thoughtful wife, I perfected the art of homemade pizza – even though I don’t eat white flour (I know, I’m a saint.). I mean, look at this masterpiece: 

No, I didn’t touch it. I instead made something very nearly as divine for myself – and definitely more adorable. And, of course, about 10 times healthier. These little portabella pizzas were just as delicious as they are pretty:

That, and you don’t have to wait 18 hours for pizza dough to rise (did I mention I was a saint?).

The nice thing is, I used all the sauces and toppings on my little pizzas as I used on my husbands, so the only extras to buy were the portabellas. 

2 portabella mushroom caps, gills scraped and cleaned with a paper towel

2-4 tbsp pizza sauce

Canadian bacon, chopped

Black olives, sliced

Green peppers, sliced

Mozzarella cheese (the shredded kind is fine, but I used fresh buffalo because it’s so good it makes me want to kiss the nearest cow on the mouth)

Fill the caps (as much as you’d like) with pizza sauce. Granted, too much may make the little bellas overflow and/or break down, but hey, it’s your funeral – albeit a delicious funeral. Sprinkle in your chopped Canadian bacon, olives, green peppers, or whatever else you like on your pizza. I did just about everything but mushrooms (it seemed a bit superfluous, really). Then sprinkle on your cheese (or layer it on like an Alaskan blizzard). 

Broil these bad boys til the cheese is a melty-gooey mass of deliciousness. For those who need a less subjective measurement, that’s about 5-6 minutes. 

Enjoy – and if your husband happens to be eating the subject of the first photo on this page, punish him by denying him a single delicious bite.

Dukan or Du-Can't? (Dukan-Friendly Marinara and Cottage Cheese Chocolate Pudding)

Forgive me readers, for I have strayed. It’s been three weeks since I’ve done any creative cooking. That, my friends, is mostly due to the fact that I ruptured a disc, and without the ability to get to the gym at 5 am each morning, I’ve taken my eating habits to the extreme.

Yes, that means I’ve consulted with Dr. Dukan (via his book).

In order to deal with the anxiety I get by not working out, I’ve sought comfort in Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, and straight-up chicken breasts for the better part of a month. Add some egg whites and narcotic painkillers in there, and you’ll have my basic daily diet.

Well, it was time to add some flavor into my life this weekend, so that’s why I decided to make some low-cal mushroom marinara to top my spinach-gouda chicken sausages and Shirataki noodles. What are Shirataki noodles, you might ask? Well, they’re not exactly egg noodles, but dieters can’t be choosers. These 0-cal strands of tofu serve as a delightful substitution for the real deal (especially to those of us who haven’t touched the real deal since we were 16).

And since everyone needs a dessert on Sunday, I whipped up some cottage-cheese-ricotta mousse in Old Faithful (my food processor). Light and creamy with vanilla and cocoa – ahhhh, Dukan who?

Low-Cal (Dukan friendly) Marinara:

½ medium onion, chopped fine

5 cloves garlic, crushed

2 tbsp balsamic vinegar

2 15 oz cans diced tomatoes

3 tbsp tomato paste

1 tbsp basil

1 tbsp parsley

1 tbsp oregano

Salt and pepper to taste

Simmer the onion and garlic over medium heat in a stock pot coated with non-stick spray. Cook 5 minutes, or until onion is translucent and fragrant (whether or not you enjoy that particular scent).

Add the balsamic vinegar – make sure your husband doesn’t do this or you might end up with ½ cup of vinegar in your sauce, which admittedly was still delicious.

Pour in diced tomatoes, tomato paste, and sprinkle in all spices. Stir until the mixture boils, then cover and simmer for 20 minutes. Add salt and pepper to taste.

I threw in mushrooms during the simmering, because who doesn’t luck a good shroom with their marinara?

Now for the chocolate (you may as well just skip dinner).

Chocolate-Ricotta Mousse

½ cup low-fat (or non-fat) ricotta cheese

½ cup low-fat cottage cheese (the creamier the better)

3 tsp dutch-process cocoa

2 tbsp Da Vinci sugar-free vanilla syrup

3-4 drops good-tasting Stevia (optional)

Dump it all in your food processor or blender and hit the floor. I only say hit the floor because that seems to be what my rabbit does anytime I turn it on. Dumb bunnies. For a thinner consistency, add a couple tablespoons of unsweetened vanilla almond milk.